The boy is gone for the summer.  My heart feels as empty as our new big house, my heartbeat echoing in my chest in tune with the leftover echoes of little running feet across the hardwood floor.  I feel empty, no less than empty.  I feel almost like I don’t exist at all.  Is it possible to exist when your heart is 4 states away? 

I go to bed with a pounding headache.  Not enough water?  Too much sun?  I can only hope that is the case.  And then, as I lay there, a familiar sensation washes over me.  I used to be scared of it when I was young, but now I savor it as feeling something physical that is stronger than the emotions that are wracking my heart and mind.  It starts with mild vertigo, spinning, tilting.  I’ve never felt it standing up, but I’m sure the result would be me crashing to the ground.  As the bed tilts around me, I shut my eyes tight and ride it out, savoring each sensation almost as if I’m on a carnival ride.  As the vertigo subsides, new feelings sweep over me.  I read once in some magazine that it’s known as “Alice in Wonderland Syndrome.”  I always loved that story.  I feel parts of my body begin to grow, while others shrink down to twigs.  This was the scariest part as a child.  I used to look at each growing or shrinking body part while trying to convince myself that my eyes were wrong.  I used to move each body part in an attempt to regain my sense of appropriate dimension.  It never worked.  Terrifying may be a better description.  But now, I find myself concentrating on the sensations, marveling.  I feel my head swell to three, maybe four times normal size, inflating like a balloon.  My arms shrink down to shriveled up pencils protruding from my normal-sized shoulders.  My hands become the hands of a giant with ridiculously long, skinny fingers.  Then everything reverses.  The terror is long gone, and I’m left with wonderment of the power of my mind over logic and physical truth as I drift off to sleep, knowing I’ll wake with a migraine. 

If only my dreams would actually take me down that rabbit hole…it would be a nice escape from the emptiness at least.

Tags: migraines

This entry was posted on Monday, June 21st, 2010 at 8:48 am and is filed under kids, stuff. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.