I feel like I could burst into tears at any second
I had a detailed post done two days ago explaining all this, but when I was a spell-check away from publishing, my computer shit itself and all was lost. Hrumph. Yeah, it’s been that kind of week. Month. Year? Bear with me as I try to recap…
Moving, wedding, teenagers, the boy and the girl, too many projects at work, finances, Mr. W…I think that was all. You know, basically everything that encompasses my everyday! No biggie.
We move in 9 days. We aren’t packed. I packed 9 boxes in the last two days and besides the boxes sitting in there, you wouldn’t know it. We don’t have a truck. We don’t have definite moving help. We don’t have someone to rent our house. WTF?! And I’m about 3 inches from blowing up on someone about it. Someone being Mr. W unfortunately as he is pretty good at being a target of opportunity. Not that he’s totally innocent, but still, I’m holding back. Things promise to be better, much better once we move…and as much as I want to believe promises, part of me is always skeptical.
The wedding is in just over 100 days. We don’t have a DJ. We don’t have invitations. We don’t have tables, chairs, a tent, or any other rental stuff. We don’t have garments except for my dress and shoes, which is unwearable until it’s tailored. And we are slacking on the desire to have a wedding at all. (Talk of doing the elope thing has been flung around lately) What do we have? A minister and a location. Sweet. September 25th promises to be number 3 on my “best day ever” list when all is said and done, but that’s not for another 100 plus days.
Teenagers…need I say more? I love them, but they are teens, and teens bring drama. I think it may be part of their lifeblood. I remember my teen years vividly (well, the ones that aren’t clouded by chemicals anyway…) and I have hold no grudge to any other teen…but still. And the little ones, again, need I say more? The girl got Lyme from me so now I am forced to watch her go through what I did and feel nothing but pure, unadulterated guilt for “infecting” her. And the boy, well, one more month until the end of the school year, which means a summer away with his dad. 
Work is work is work. And finances are finances. I spread myself too thin in both areas and then suffer the wrath of my own decisions after. I could kick my own ass for it, but really, what good would that do?
And Mr. W…relates to all of the above. Stress is contagious, but when we both have it, it only multiplies exponentially. I long for my loving man who is just so overtired these days that he seems to be in hibernation…permanently.
I passed by his old apaprtment the other day, and ever since have been reminiscing on our time there. It was small and humble, but I have nothing but fond memories of those four walls. We got to know each other there. We fell in love there. We had “our” time there. Yes, we had fights and heartbreaks and even broke up more than a couple times, but there were far more wonderful days, and nights, in those spaces. And I miss them so. We were genuinely excited by, and about each other there. We held each other up. We cared and loved and were one.
Today I picked up a package from the post office. When the lady brought it to me, she had a giant grin on her face and asked if it was a diploma or some other equally exciting document. I told her I hoped so, and then ripped open the package right there while she gave me an impromptu drum roll. 
And it was! As the lady at the post office applauded and showered me with congratulatory praise, I opened my official Bachelor of Science diploma, beaming, I’m sure! Yea! I brought it to work to show off, and my dear, dear friend and maid of honor, C, has been announcing it wherever we go, bringing out smiles and praise and congratulations from all around me. Finally getting hold of Mr. W, I gave him my wonderful news, to which I was first ignored, then given a half ass, forced, not even trying to show any emotion at all (unless boredom is an emotion) “yea, you got your diploma.” Period**. Hmmm….if I hadn’t already been choking back tears for days and therefore mastered the art, I’m sure that would have brought on quite the waterworks. Nice. Well, at least my less than personal friend co-workers are happy for me.
**His excuse? “You graduated months ago and haven’t been excited or brought it up until today.” Well today I got my Pretty Piece of Paper! My countless hours, thousands of dollars, and days off my life due to stress have amounted to something concrete, finally. Excuse my hopes for some small amount of validation. *Sigh*
