Snowball fights and little boys
I’m having so many issues dealing with the boy lately. Well, we, as in the couple-y we, are having issues dealing with the boy. He is whiny and disrespectful and totally ignores everything we say, repeat, scream-at-the-top-of-our-lungs. He fights constantly over everything. Eating, sleeping, getting dressed, brushing his teeth, getting in the car, getting out of the car, putting his coat on, putting his shoes on, drinking water, juice, milk, soda (yeah, I don’t give him soda but his dad does. That’s where the fight comes from). It NEVER. ENDS. EVER.
Yesterday I smacked him in the shower. It was ridiculous. I swear he was doing (or not doing) everything he possibly could to piss me off. I swear he was doing it on purpose. Ok, yes. I realize he is 5 going on 6 and probably (definitely) doesn’t have thoughts that complex and vindictive. But at 6 am, after days, weeks, months of fighting and yelling and threatening, it just really seems that way. And at dinner last night, we took a trip to the bathroom to discuss what was and was not going to happen for the rest of the night. It sort of worked.
I am battling within myself with all of this. I am a daddy’s girl through and through, and I can’t help but draw from the parenting I received as a child. My dad’s way of thinking goes something like this: I am the parent and you are the child. Period. You don’t argue with a child. There is no option. The parent talks and the child listens and obeys. Failing that, the parent makes the child listen, even if it takes some additional “punctuation” to get the point across. My visits to the bathroom with my dad were much less about talking and much more about punctuation, not-so-fondly referred to as “boot therapy.” It’s just the way things were. My dad gave it to me much kinder than he received from his father. My grandfather was more of the closed-fist punch now, oh, yeah, and no talking later. I’ve heard that I was the first child he ever hugged…or smiled at… He had 4 of his own.
I don’t want to spank my kids. I’ve fought the urge with (mostly) success. Mostly. But some days, more often lately, it’s just, difficult. How do you convince a 5 year old to listen? It’s not as if you can use logic. It’s not as if they will just trust that you know what’s best. There is threatening, but even that comes up empty in the end. What can I take, what can I do, how do I punish, or even better, how do we get past this to avoid any need for punishment in the first place?
- Time outs: don’t work. They sit, and then they get up and seem to forget those 4, 5, 6 minutes even happened.
- Grounding: doesn’t work. (see above). Plus I hate it. Ground one kid and the whole family loses from it. No excursions. No playing. No fun.
- Taking things that are precious: doesn’t work. (see above again) Plus there is always something else to play with. In a pinch, my kids can play with a sock and a pencil for hours. They are just creative that way.
Obviously yelling and screaming doesn’t do anything. It makes for tears and bad feelings, usually on the part of all parties involved. And then it just happens again. And spanking. Just not an option. When I’m in a pinch, I can usually use my words and logic to get the point across, to get someone to agree with me and do as I say. Yeah, not so much with the kids. So what is left?
And the whole thing is draining. I’m tired. Mr. W is tired. The boy is tired. We are cranky. We are stubborn. We are not thinking clearly. It all snowballs on itself, day after day after week after month. We are being slowly crushed under the weight of the massive, growing snowball. It just sucks. It feels like we can’t even dig ourselves out at this point. It feels like spring will never come to melt some of this weight. It feels, bad. All relationships are suffering. Mr. W and I are fighting. The boy wants to trade Mr. W in for a cat. The boy thinks I don’t love him because he’s bad, no matter how many times I tell him I do, more than anything in the world I do. Mr. W thinks the boy doesn’t like him, and the cat thing doesn’t help. I’m trying to balance my relationship with the two men in my life while simultaneously balancing their relationship as a pseudo-go-between for them. It’s all just so very draining.
Help?
