Trust?
Trust is a strange animal. Just when you think you have tamed the beast. House trained it. Gotten it to eat from your hand…it bites your hand right off. Bucks you to the ground. Mauls you in front of your friends. Ok, so I had a moment. Maybe I have many moments, but they most of them pass by without a second thought. This moment, not so much.
Mr. W and I have an open door policy to all of our so-called private areas. Head out of the gutters, folks. Not those private areas (although we have that too) but the private areas like email accounts, facebook, my blog, bank accounts, phones (calls and texts). Those private areas. I know all his passwords and pins and what nots, and he knows mine. We have no qualms about the other randomly checking in. Honestly. Honesty. Full disclosure. (it’s how we tame the beast.) Most of the time, we don’t access what is openly accessible, because the animal is curled up on the rug in front of the fire snoring away in perfect tranquility. Most of the time. But something stirred for me yesterday…
We’ve been (he’s been) working with a lawyer to get “her” name off the deed to his/our house. The paperwork came back yesterday, so I looked at it out of simple curiosity. Yea! Free and clear. “She” is no longer attached in any way to our life. As I scanned the page, I subconsciously, or maybe consciously…who knows, noted “her” phone number. Minutes later, I realized that Mr. W had left his cell in my car charging. Hmmm… So in the brief minutes of driving separately to IHOP for dinner* the animal woke completely and apparently wanted something to gnaw on…say, like my hand. As I scrolled through recent calls, “her” number was there. He called her. Monday. But why? He hadn’t mentioned anything to me about it. He always does. Why?
There are two things you should know here, which you may already know, or not.
- She has a blog. I read it. It’s like a car crash. I just can’t help myself! She recently posted about wanting to break up with her current beau and an unnamed ex popping back up into her life in misery about his own current relationship. He called her. They drank together… Mr. W had drill two weekends ago in that neck of the woods………
- The first time the animal attacked was the last time I took a walk through Mr. W’s cell phone. It was over a year ago, and I found out about an earth-shattering heart-shattering small indiscretion on his part…involving “her” and a late night visit… I forgave him then, and I still forgive him.
So those two thoughts in my head, combined with my own normal insecurity, combined with my new insecurities about all the stress I’ve brought into Mr. W’s life (kids, bad habits, health issues, etc, etc) gave the animal a dose of crack with a sugar chaser and it promptly bit my hand clean off. Needless to say, in the name of honesty and openness, I waited a whole day and asked Mr. W about the found call this morning. He explained. It made 100% sense. I’m nursing my (self-inflicted) wounds, and the animal is back sleeping cozily by the fire. Or is it?
I think trust is one of those animals you can never quite be sure is tame. Kind of like a wildebeest or a bobcat or a polar bear. The slightest wrong move, wrong thought can send it off on a rampant killing spree, randomly mauling all the innocent (presumably) bystanders in its path. A friend asked me if I have trust issues. She asked if I trust Mr. W. Without hesitation, my answer is yes. But then why did I look in his phone? I could say it’s because of that one incident, but then why did I look then? Why do I read her blog? Why do I think those thoughts? Do I really not trust him? But I do!
I trust Mr. W with my life, my love, my children, my heart, my everything. He is all of those things to me and so much more. Ok, so not my child, per se, but I have the same loving affection and caring for him as I do for my children so in a way, kind of. When he gave me the explanation of the call, I believed him immediately. Not an ounce of hesitation. That’s trust, right? When he told me about the first incident, I was hurt, crushed really, but I never questioned the end of the story. (Well, maybe not out loud) He told me that’s what happened, and I believed him. I believe him. I trust him. But then…why…?
Is it possible to trust completely? Is it possible never, ever to doubt, to wonder, to question? Can we as humans do it? Can I? Can you?
*The boy thought pancakes for dinner at IHOP was the greatest invention EVER!
October 28th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Hubby’s name was still on his old house w/the ex. It never sold, and when they finally worked it all out, even I had to go to the realitor’s office to sign paperwork to get my rights to it cleared, since we were married.
Since she lives far away, he probably had to bring her the paperwork to sign, and didn’t want to stress you about with worry.
Having just written that, please remember that she is a master class stalker, and you need to talk to him about this. He doesn’t need to reopen that door that took him years to board shut. God knows what the lunatic in her is thinking.
Thank you for giving me one more reason to kick his butt when I see him next, if I ever seen him again.
October 29th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
We worked it out. He explained and all is well again. Just me being paranoid and self loathing. But if you want to kick his butt, I’m good with that too!