I’ve been playing hooky from my blog lately.  Not exactly sure why.  Maybe I’m tired of whining about how I feel.  Maybe I’m having some guilt about blogging when there are a MILLION other things I should be doing that I’m just not.  Maybe I’m being lazy.  Whatever it is, maybe I’m over it.  Maybe I’m not. 

So how do I feel I (don’t) hear you ask.  Well.  Lyme disease sucks.  It really does.  Physically, I have more bad days than good days.  There is pain, pretty much everywhere.  Some days it’s not so bad.  Some days it’s excruciating.  Think of a body part…yeah, it hurts there too.  So that’s fun.  Also, there is the “floaters,”  the harmless little black lines and spots everyone has in their eyes from time to time.  Only, mine are multiplying like horny rabbits and are always there.  Seriously, the words on my computer screen are dancing right now.  It makes reading anything very difficult.  And a new addition to the eye thing: now there are white, or bright spots along with the black spots.  It must be similar to what celebrities see after being flashed with a thousand flashbulbs on a regular basis.  My ears, constantly ringing.  Constantly.  It’s like after going to a really good rock concert, only I don’t get the perk of actually going to a really good rock concert.  It makes me very sensitive to sounds.  Annoying sounds are that much more annoying.  Loud sounds are that much louder and more grating.  Even whisper sounds drive me nuts.  I’m seriously craving a sensory deprivation chamber right about now, but all my problems are internal, so that probably wouldn’t work anyway.  I’m nauseous, and my appetite fluctuates between famished and I never want to eat again.  I almost always have a headache.  At the moment (I think) I am developing a nasty cold, since I’m stuffy about 50% of the time and there is a golfball-sized lump where my left lymph node should be in my neck.  My hands and feet swell randomly.  I’m tired and achy when I wake up in the morning, every morning.  After my shower (at $5 per shower thanks to needing a 6×6 tagaderm patch just to take a shower…gift ideas anyone?) and coffee, I am fairly awake for about 2 hours, then back to sheer exhaustion until I finally make it to bed at night.  I have cotton mouth pretty much all the time thanks to the pain meds, which don’t full work.  I get horrible stomach and muscle cramps thanks to the antibiotic infusions every 12 hours.  And now I’m on ADHD meds for the severe memory lapses and brain fog, so who knows what kind of side effects that will bring.  The antibiotics are also bringing about all the “normal” antibiotic side effects: candida, indigestion, digestive issues, upset stomach, etc, etc.  Probiotics are holding it off to a tolerable level, but then that just adds another couple pills a day to choke down.  Yea! 

Then there is the emotional stuff.  Long term pain = depression, of some sort or another.  I’m cranky most of the time, which I very unfairly take out on Mr. W (who is taking this all very well considering) and my kids, unfortunately.  (If only the ex-men would call more often to take the brunt of the crank!)  I’m feeling extremely unattractive, undesirable, un-everything thanks to a new, very short hair cut that I’m really  not liking (the showering thing, it only made sense to make my “getting ready” routine as easy as possible),  the bloat/weight gain that makes it difficult and uncomfortable to get dressed in anything but sweats, and, oh yeah, there’s the 4 inch long tube sticking out of my chest, just above my left boob, which requires wearing a sports bra to bed every night, and I’m already pretty flat in that area.  Like I need the extra compression.  My upper body has become a no fly zone, and with my flat-chested sports bra “lingerie” and my extremely short hair, I’m feeling more an more like a boy in the bedroom.  Not so great for the “mood,” at least on my part anyway.

Aren’t you glad you asked? 

Beyond the Lyme, I’m prepping for Christmas, which incidentally will be held over New Years in my house as the kidlets are with their dads this year.  Money is tight, but on-line shopping has provided me with some fantastic deals over the last couple months.  Yea for being proactive in something. 

Mr. W got a new job, starting just after Christmas.  Fortunately it’s like a 40% pay raise and in the field he loves.  Unfortunately, his office is about a 1 1/2 hour commute each way, even with public transportation, and his hours may be sporadic due to the type of work he will be doing.  So he won’t be home much during the week.  But we will be moving somewhere near the middle in the early Spring, and hopefully his new connections up there will throw out some info on jobs in my field of work and then we can move all the way up there.  I’m not planning on changing jobs any time soon…well at least until after I A) graduate, also early spring, and B) get the tube out of my chest and resolve all of my health issues.  “Nice to meet you on my first day of work.  By the way, I’m going to need to work a half day once a week so I can meet my home nurse, and I need at least 2 days off a month for doctors visits, and will probably average 1 other day off a week for just general sickness, and that doesn’t even touch any kid-related time off…thanks for the job.”  Yeah, I’m sure that would go over well with a new or potential employer. 

And speaking of new jobs, one of my best girlfriends is starting today at her new job, here, with me.  Yea!!  We met briefly in basic training (different squadrons there), and went on to Tech school together.  Although we were in different classes for the same career field, we had the same circle of friends and lived in the same hall.  We went to our first base together and managed to work out being roommates there.  Our friendship didn’t do so well in the dorm setting.  She was a party girl and I grew tired of that pretty fast as I was more interested in boys, and yes I do mean boys.  Looking back, I had pretty shitty taste in males!  I married ex #1, despite her loathing of him and warnings about him.  I even left her off the guest list to our wedding.    Anyway, we both eventually transferred and went on with our lives.  You know my story.  She went over-seas.  Grew up a lot.  Had a son.  Moved back stateside, and we reconnected about 5 years later, our friendship re-growing on a much more adult level.  Long story short, she was looking for more security for her and her boy, and my office was looking for more reliable new employees.  I introduced the two and wa-la.  She starts today.  All around, it’s great.  I have a close friend who is actually geographically close.  My kids and her son get along great, and they all have had a shortage of “at home” friends up to this point in their lives.  And she’s getting the security and benefits she needs for her and her son, while working decent hours.  I get a reliable, hard co-worker among a group of (mostly) assholes and slackers.  Win-win-win all around!

So that’s that.  I’m successfully dizzy from watching the letters dance on my screen, my fingers are starting to tingle from actually using them.  And I need a smoke and a coffee refill.  Oh, yeah, and I should probably get to at least one of those previously mentioned MILLION things I need to get done, like, yesterday.

Just in case I slack on the blog again for a while…

Ok, so we know I have sleeping issues of all sorts, but for the last 3 nights straight I have woken up at 1:44 am.  The last 3 nights straight!  What does that mean?  I know my previous tendency to wake at 3 am had all sorts of possibilities (psychic hour, hour of the devil as in the opposite of when Christ died, liver hour, etc) but 1:44 am?  Really, any ideas?  It’s kind of creepy, actually…

Anyway, so I feel like crap today.  Surprise, surprise!  This cold just won’t leave.  The stuffy head gave way to a constantly runny nose which has now given way to some killer body-aches.  I feel like I’ve been run over with a truck.  The worst part, I don’t k now if it’s a simple cold, or the beginning of flu season, or the Lyme disease, (or some strange reaction to waking up at 1:44 am), or something else entirely.  On top of that, I think I may be getting a sinus infection and a bladder infection.  HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?  I’ve been on antibiotics for over a month.  What do they give you for sinus, bladder, or any other type of infection?  Antibiotics.  How can I get something that is “curable” by antibiotics when I’m on a constant stream of antibiotics?  And, more to the point, how the hell would I go about getting rid of said infections?  More antibiotics?  So, for anyone keeping count, technology* hates me AND my body hates me. 

And Christmas is coming.  I loveChristmas.  I get totally geeky about Christmas.  Once I had a house in which to “do” Christmas in for the first time, I made a rule that all that entered must be happy, otherwise they would be forced to eat Christmas dinner outside.  Yep, that’s just how I roll with Christmas.  What I don’t love is the gifting thing.  Well, it’s more of a love/hate relationship.  I love giving gifts, but I hate the stress of trying to figure out what to get.  I have another thing.  Yeah, I know, me and my “things.”  But I can’t get people Christmas presents that are on a list shorter than, oh, say 20 items.  I just can’t.  It ruins the whole surprise thing that is way to priceless.  Also, I can’t get anyone a gift that is “useful.”  It kills me every year to ask my mom what she wants and inevitably she comes back with one item and it’s a lunch box.  Or slippers.  Or a red T-shirt.  Yes, one year she wanted nothing more than a red T-shirt.  WHAT IS THAT?  How am I supposed to show my love and appreciation for the woman that brought me into this world with a RED T-SHIRT?  Not possible.  Of course, one year I went out on a limb and bought her a black leather Coach purse (since she had been admiring a similar one I bought in the summer) and she refuses to use it!  She says it’s too nice and I spent too much and she’s afraid of getting it dirty.  So it sits all lonely in the bag in her closet.  That’s just purse abuse!  She’s lucky she’s my mom, or else I’d have to report her to the authorities! 

Well, with Christmas coming, I’ve made an early list of those Mr. W and I will be gifting this year, kids at the top…………and I’ve got nothing.  I have no clue what to get anyone!  A four year old girl, a six year old boy, a 14 year old girl and a 16 year old boy shouldn’t be this hard to shop for.  And to make things extra challenging, the girl’s (4th) b-day just past, so she’s Barbied out for the year, the step-boy has a (16th) b-day next month, the boy’s (6th) b-day is 2 days before Christmas (yeah, he’s that kid…poor kid…), and the step-girl’s (15th) b-day is in February.  Oh yeah, and Mr. W.  Let’s not forget him.  1) I have even less of a clue what to get him for Christmas, and 2) his b-day is a week before Christmas.  You know, at least I had the decency and good sense to be born in July!  I can’t wait for Christmas morning, after I’ve figured out what to get everyone and can just sit back and enjoy their shining faces along with the knowledge that I have a whole ‘nother year (9ish months) before the drama begins again. 

*The day after I posted this, my brand-spanking-new, iPod compatible, fancy-shmancy, waited-hemmed-and-hawed-about-the-price-for-3-months-and-finally-broke-down-and-got-one alarm clock stopped working.  Just stopped.  Like it worked in the morning to wake me up, and by the evening when I went to reset it, it was dead.  No lights,  no sound.  DEAD.

Mr. W called me a couple hours ago to tell me that he took a little trip to Famous Footwear on his lunch hour…

Mr. W: I have to get rid of my new shoes…they are still hurting my feet, so I wore my New Balances today.  But, I was sitting at my desk, wondering what this horrible smell was, when I realized, it was the shoes.  So I went to Famous Footwear and bought a pair of basketball shoes and some new regular tennis-type shoes to wear on days like today. But I have to take them back.

Me: Ok…why do you have to take them back?

Mr. W: They are too shiny.

Me: What did I tell you about buying shoes that are shiny? (We’ve had previous conversations about his unhealthy adoration of shiny sport-type shoes…it’s a little scary…no, really,…scary!)

Mr. W: Well, they didn’t look so shiny in the store, but they are definitely too shiny, so I have to take them back, and now I’m wearing my basketball shoes…(trailing off…)

Me: I love you. 

My Victoria’s Secret Online shopping bag has $524.00 worth of merchandise in it right at this moment, begging for me to hit the check-out button.  There is something about shopping on the Internet which brings pure joy…maybe it’s that the pictures always look so pretty.  Maybe it’s because the check-out cart does all your math for you.  Maybe it’s because I’m sitting at work and  indulgently shopping, with no crowds, ample merchandise in all sizes and colors, and no looming dressing-room mirrors to ruin my day.  Who knows exactly why it’s great, but it just is.  I always seem to have much more luck and less frustration when I do my shopping online. 

And be proud, that fore mentioned $524.00 is not on frivolous articles that won’t ever see the outside of my closet, but rather on very work appropriate attire which would be well worn if purchased.  That $524.00 buys me 7 spring/summer blouses, 3 pairs of well-fitting slacks/trousers/pants (whatever you call them), 2 pairs of fabulous-yet-practical pumps, and 1 pair of totally work-appropriate trouser-jeans (probably way more appropriate than any of the jeans I currently attempt to pass off as “work-appropriate”).

But, alas, I won’t be clicking that happy, inviting, wonderful, indulgent…. pink “proceed to checkout” button any time soon.  Partially because I can’t actually fathom spending $524.00 completely on myself in one single purchase, partially because Mr. W’s welcome although unscheduled return has created a pocket tightening situation which I must adhere to, sacrificing the little indulgences* (and big ones…like $524.00 ones) for the comfort and betterment of our family.  *sigh* 

So I close the window, bidding farewell to my well chosen, totally work-appropriate, would definately wear, what could have been wardrobe, and take a short moment of silence for my fallen (could-have-been) friends…

*coincidentally, I did visit Starbucks this morning, one of those smaller (but probably adding to much bigger) indulgences that I’ve been actively and (mostly) successfully cutting out of my routine.  As I ordered my normal Grande coffee (keeping it simple = keeping it cheap = not as much guilt) I was disappointed as apparently all the coffee had run out and needed to be brewed.  But thanks to my friendly neighborhood Starbucks’ policy, I was offered a Americana (apparently Espresso w/ hot water) …ready?..for free!  Yea, Starbucks people!  It was yummy and I was happy.  Getting my coffee and not paying for it, too!  What could be better?  (well… maybe a Vicky’s shopping spree, but I digress…)