I’ve been playing hooky from my blog lately.  Not exactly sure why.  Maybe I’m tired of whining about how I feel.  Maybe I’m having some guilt about blogging when there are a MILLION other things I should be doing that I’m just not.  Maybe I’m being lazy.  Whatever it is, maybe I’m over it.  Maybe I’m not. 

So how do I feel I (don’t) hear you ask.  Well.  Lyme disease sucks.  It really does.  Physically, I have more bad days than good days.  There is pain, pretty much everywhere.  Some days it’s not so bad.  Some days it’s excruciating.  Think of a body part…yeah, it hurts there too.  So that’s fun.  Also, there is the “floaters,”  the harmless little black lines and spots everyone has in their eyes from time to time.  Only, mine are multiplying like horny rabbits and are always there.  Seriously, the words on my computer screen are dancing right now.  It makes reading anything very difficult.  And a new addition to the eye thing: now there are white, or bright spots along with the black spots.  It must be similar to what celebrities see after being flashed with a thousand flashbulbs on a regular basis.  My ears, constantly ringing.  Constantly.  It’s like after going to a really good rock concert, only I don’t get the perk of actually going to a really good rock concert.  It makes me very sensitive to sounds.  Annoying sounds are that much more annoying.  Loud sounds are that much louder and more grating.  Even whisper sounds drive me nuts.  I’m seriously craving a sensory deprivation chamber right about now, but all my problems are internal, so that probably wouldn’t work anyway.  I’m nauseous, and my appetite fluctuates between famished and I never want to eat again.  I almost always have a headache.  At the moment (I think) I am developing a nasty cold, since I’m stuffy about 50% of the time and there is a golfball-sized lump where my left lymph node should be in my neck.  My hands and feet swell randomly.  I’m tired and achy when I wake up in the morning, every morning.  After my shower (at $5 per shower thanks to needing a 6×6 tagaderm patch just to take a shower…gift ideas anyone?) and coffee, I am fairly awake for about 2 hours, then back to sheer exhaustion until I finally make it to bed at night.  I have cotton mouth pretty much all the time thanks to the pain meds, which don’t full work.  I get horrible stomach and muscle cramps thanks to the antibiotic infusions every 12 hours.  And now I’m on ADHD meds for the severe memory lapses and brain fog, so who knows what kind of side effects that will bring.  The antibiotics are also bringing about all the “normal” antibiotic side effects: candida, indigestion, digestive issues, upset stomach, etc, etc.  Probiotics are holding it off to a tolerable level, but then that just adds another couple pills a day to choke down.  Yea! 

Then there is the emotional stuff.  Long term pain = depression, of some sort or another.  I’m cranky most of the time, which I very unfairly take out on Mr. W (who is taking this all very well considering) and my kids, unfortunately.  (If only the ex-men would call more often to take the brunt of the crank!)  I’m feeling extremely unattractive, undesirable, un-everything thanks to a new, very short hair cut that I’m really  not liking (the showering thing, it only made sense to make my “getting ready” routine as easy as possible),  the bloat/weight gain that makes it difficult and uncomfortable to get dressed in anything but sweats, and, oh yeah, there’s the 4 inch long tube sticking out of my chest, just above my left boob, which requires wearing a sports bra to bed every night, and I’m already pretty flat in that area.  Like I need the extra compression.  My upper body has become a no fly zone, and with my flat-chested sports bra “lingerie” and my extremely short hair, I’m feeling more an more like a boy in the bedroom.  Not so great for the “mood,” at least on my part anyway.

Aren’t you glad you asked? 

Beyond the Lyme, I’m prepping for Christmas, which incidentally will be held over New Years in my house as the kidlets are with their dads this year.  Money is tight, but on-line shopping has provided me with some fantastic deals over the last couple months.  Yea for being proactive in something. 

Mr. W got a new job, starting just after Christmas.  Fortunately it’s like a 40% pay raise and in the field he loves.  Unfortunately, his office is about a 1 1/2 hour commute each way, even with public transportation, and his hours may be sporadic due to the type of work he will be doing.  So he won’t be home much during the week.  But we will be moving somewhere near the middle in the early Spring, and hopefully his new connections up there will throw out some info on jobs in my field of work and then we can move all the way up there.  I’m not planning on changing jobs any time soon…well at least until after I A) graduate, also early spring, and B) get the tube out of my chest and resolve all of my health issues.  “Nice to meet you on my first day of work.  By the way, I’m going to need to work a half day once a week so I can meet my home nurse, and I need at least 2 days off a month for doctors visits, and will probably average 1 other day off a week for just general sickness, and that doesn’t even touch any kid-related time off…thanks for the job.”  Yeah, I’m sure that would go over well with a new or potential employer. 

And speaking of new jobs, one of my best girlfriends is starting today at her new job, here, with me.  Yea!!  We met briefly in basic training (different squadrons there), and went on to Tech school together.  Although we were in different classes for the same career field, we had the same circle of friends and lived in the same hall.  We went to our first base together and managed to work out being roommates there.  Our friendship didn’t do so well in the dorm setting.  She was a party girl and I grew tired of that pretty fast as I was more interested in boys, and yes I do mean boys.  Looking back, I had pretty shitty taste in males!  I married ex #1, despite her loathing of him and warnings about him.  I even left her off the guest list to our wedding.    Anyway, we both eventually transferred and went on with our lives.  You know my story.  She went over-seas.  Grew up a lot.  Had a son.  Moved back stateside, and we reconnected about 5 years later, our friendship re-growing on a much more adult level.  Long story short, she was looking for more security for her and her boy, and my office was looking for more reliable new employees.  I introduced the two and wa-la.  She starts today.  All around, it’s great.  I have a close friend who is actually geographically close.  My kids and her son get along great, and they all have had a shortage of “at home” friends up to this point in their lives.  And she’s getting the security and benefits she needs for her and her son, while working decent hours.  I get a reliable, hard co-worker among a group of (mostly) assholes and slackers.  Win-win-win all around!

So that’s that.  I’m successfully dizzy from watching the letters dance on my screen, my fingers are starting to tingle from actually using them.  And I need a smoke and a coffee refill.  Oh, yeah, and I should probably get to at least one of those previously mentioned MILLION things I need to get done, like, yesterday.

Just in case I slack on the blog again for a while…

Mr. W and I have been together for two years, give or take a couple days/weeks/…  Ok, so we don’t know the exact date of our anniversary, and by this time next year we will be married (or at least that’s the plan) so it doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things sort of way.  We went out on our first date sometime in November, before Thanksgiving of 2007, and ended up officially together at some point thereafter without even really realizing it.  So the anniversary day is all sort of fuzzy.  Last year, he was in Iraq and sent me surprise flowers for our one-year.  (Awww, ain’t he sweet?!) But this year…this year is different.

IT’S LIKE PULLING FREAKING TEETH TO GET HIM TO AKNOWLEDGE THE THING!

What is it about men?  Seriously, there are a couple times a year you guys have to suck it up and pretend (convincingly, convincinglyis important!) that you are into all that relationship-y mushy stuff:  Valentine’s Day,  birthday,  anniversary, and possibly New Years Eve (you know, the kissing thing at midnight…which I’ve never done coincidentally…).  That’s basically it.  Four events a year to feign excitement for.  FOUR!  I mean, I get it, ya’ll aren’t into it.  “It’s just another day.”  “It’s just a holiday for girls.”  “It’s something Hallmark and the chocolate people made up to make money.”  Whatever!  Suck it up and tell her you love her already.  Do or say that thing you know makes her weak in the knees and all fluttery in the tummy.  You know what it is.  Besides, you’ll probably get something out of it in the end anyway. 

We sort of picked a day last year which ended up being the day he sent flowers.  Made sense.  Of course neither of us kept track of the day, so this year I’ve made several attempts, in vain, to pin down a day for “us,” for celebration.  Mr. W keeps insisting on Thanksgiving, but:

1. I don’t want to share “our” day with any other National holiday.
2. Thanksgiving isn’t the same date every year.
3. You can’t go out for a romantic dinner on Thanksgiving because if family doesn’t happen to be involved in your plans, the local Chinese fast food place is probably going to be the only option.
4. We are spending Thanksgiving this year with his family, after a long road trip to Michigan, with four kids in the car, at a hotel, with same said four kids…not so romantic to me.  And it’s all about the romance, DAMMIT!

Very rarely am I that “girly-girl.”  But, I do like me some romance from time to time.  I’m allowed.  I make up for it in other ways.  I’m not going to list those ways right now (or probably ever) but just trust  me, I do make up for it.  And now I’m at my very familiar, too familiar, annoyingly familiar crossroad:  Do I hold out and demand what I want, or do I just say F*%@ it and give up?  With everything else going on in my life, I’m tempted to hold out for at least one thing…but who am I kidding?  With everything else going wrong in my life.  Disappointingly, dishearteningly, disgruntled-ly wrong…I’m most likely going to go with the latter, you know, for consistency’s sake. 

*sigh…*

update:  Shortly after posting this, I got an email from the folks at homeaway.com.  The subject line was this:  “Re-Ignite the Passion with a Couples Getaway.”  Hmmm…have they been reading?

This Saturday I will be taking the kids to the girls fourth birthday party.  Yes, she reached 4 years of age two weeks ago, but this will be the fourth time she is celebrating it.  She had a family party with ex#2 and his family the weekend following her actual birthday, in conjunction with ex#2′s birthday which was the following Monday.  She had a party at pre-school that Friday.  She had a party at my house last Saturday.  And she’s having another one, with friends and all this Saturday.  And you best believe she received presents at the last three, with more to come.  Yes, divorce is rough on kids, but there are some serious perks!

The boy’s birthday falls just 2 days before Christmas and with my two divorces in his life, he basically gets to celebrate and receive gifts for like a month and a half.  He has Christmas with me, with his dad (ex#1) and his family, and with ex#2 and his family.  We are all in agreement that he shouldn’t get cheated on the whole birthday thing just because he was born so close to Christmas, so he also gets three birthday celebrations, complete with specific birthday gifts, not to ever be combined with Christmas gifts.  Now that he is in school, I’m sure there will be more celebrations of birthday and Christmas in his near future.  That’s eight gift-giving occasions in the month of December.  Nice!  (Of course the girl gets her two Christmases every year as well.) 

I am dreading the day that the kids consciously figure out that they can (attempt to) pit all us grown-ups against each other.  Seriously dreading.  The boy has Mr. W and me, his dad and me, his dad and Mr. W, his dad and ex#2, ex#2 and me, and on rare occasion I’m sure, Mr. W and ex#2 to work on so far.  Add in his dad’s girlfriend, if she sticks around, and any future Ms. ex#2 and that a whole bunch of conflict he can bring on all of us if we’re not careful.  With that many people competing for your affection, the possibilities are endless!  The girl doesn’t have any connection to ex#1, but that still leaves her with plenty of drama to cause.  Plus she has the added bonus of an over-involved aunt (and possibly soon-to-be uncle) and over bearing grandparents with their own ideas of child spoiling rearing.  With all the pre-existing differences of opinion on the hows and whats of being parental-types, the kids are going to have a field day working it all to their advantage.  My only hope is that we can at least start reading from the same book by then as I have a feeling being on the same page is just not going to happen.  And I married these men!  What was I thinking?

Why do we get involved with people who are so clearly different?  How can we possibly imagine it will all just work out?  I actually remember telling myself that.  ”It will all work itself out in the end.  We will be fine.  We will be happy, perfect parents.”  Yeah.  Fat chance!  I can’t really speak for the younger, less experienced, just plain dumber me of the days when I “fell in love” with these men, but the me I know today has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN COMMON with them.  (Except of course for the kids.)  We don’t think the same.  We don’t like the same things.  We don’t have the same beliefs.  We don’t run in the same social circles.  We don’t have the same goals.  We don’t have the same parenting styles.  We don’t have even similar hopes for our kid’s futures!  Thank the stars I found Mr. W.  I thought a relationship and a marriage and parenting was something that had to be constant work to even hope for success.  I realize now I was sorely and thankfully mistaken.  When you have distinct similarities the “work” just falls away.  We aren’t exactly the same.  That would just be annoying.  And a little creepy.  But we are at least in the same general area on most things.  Different enough to allow for healthy conversation, but similar and mutually respectful (← very very VERY important!) enough to come to some common ground in the end.  There are many moments that we think or say the exact same thing at the exact same time.  (Its cute really.    We call them our “soul mate” moments.  Cheesy, I know.  But show me a relationship without a little cheese and I’ll show you a relationship that just isn’t fun!)  But there are also moments when we see things differently but are able to have adult discussions on the best course of action to deal with such differences.  I know that sounds like “work” right there, but really, there are many more moments of cheese than there are of difference.  And I am so thankful.  That’s why I call him Mr. Wonderful!

Another thing that divorce brings to my kids life is variety.  Most kids grow up with a solid foundation of how things should be based on how things are in their youth.  They have one basic example around them and they tend to follow in that footprint, whatever it may be, right or wrong or indifferent.  There is that whole argument on Nature vs. Nurture that I don’t even want to get into, but you have to admit, those little spongy people just suck up what’s around them and usually continue the trends throughout their own adult lives.  My kids have several, vastly different environments and mentalities and ways of being to sponge from.  On one hand, this may end up totally confusing for them in the end, which would suck.  But my hopes (and true belief) is that the variety will provide them with a much richer bank to pull from.  They will be able to see, and experience several different ways of being, in relationships and in life.  They will be able to form their own opinions on what works and what doesn’t and come up with a mosaic that works for them.  They will be more educated on the sociology of life (at least parts of life) without ever knowing it.  They will take part in a larger spectrum of experiences as they pass from one group of people to another and back again.  I have high hopes for my children, and I am thankful that despite my failures they may actually come out the other end all the better. 

Or they’ll be totally confused.  Which as I said, would suck.

Ok, so we know I have sleeping issues of all sorts, but for the last 3 nights straight I have woken up at 1:44 am.  The last 3 nights straight!  What does that mean?  I know my previous tendency to wake at 3 am had all sorts of possibilities (psychic hour, hour of the devil as in the opposite of when Christ died, liver hour, etc) but 1:44 am?  Really, any ideas?  It’s kind of creepy, actually…

Anyway, so I feel like crap today.  Surprise, surprise!  This cold just won’t leave.  The stuffy head gave way to a constantly runny nose which has now given way to some killer body-aches.  I feel like I’ve been run over with a truck.  The worst part, I don’t k now if it’s a simple cold, or the beginning of flu season, or the Lyme disease, (or some strange reaction to waking up at 1:44 am), or something else entirely.  On top of that, I think I may be getting a sinus infection and a bladder infection.  HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?  I’ve been on antibiotics for over a month.  What do they give you for sinus, bladder, or any other type of infection?  Antibiotics.  How can I get something that is “curable” by antibiotics when I’m on a constant stream of antibiotics?  And, more to the point, how the hell would I go about getting rid of said infections?  More antibiotics?  So, for anyone keeping count, technology* hates me AND my body hates me. 

And Christmas is coming.  I loveChristmas.  I get totally geeky about Christmas.  Once I had a house in which to “do” Christmas in for the first time, I made a rule that all that entered must be happy, otherwise they would be forced to eat Christmas dinner outside.  Yep, that’s just how I roll with Christmas.  What I don’t love is the gifting thing.  Well, it’s more of a love/hate relationship.  I love giving gifts, but I hate the stress of trying to figure out what to get.  I have another thing.  Yeah, I know, me and my “things.”  But I can’t get people Christmas presents that are on a list shorter than, oh, say 20 items.  I just can’t.  It ruins the whole surprise thing that is way to priceless.  Also, I can’t get anyone a gift that is “useful.”  It kills me every year to ask my mom what she wants and inevitably she comes back with one item and it’s a lunch box.  Or slippers.  Or a red T-shirt.  Yes, one year she wanted nothing more than a red T-shirt.  WHAT IS THAT?  How am I supposed to show my love and appreciation for the woman that brought me into this world with a RED T-SHIRT?  Not possible.  Of course, one year I went out on a limb and bought her a black leather Coach purse (since she had been admiring a similar one I bought in the summer) and she refuses to use it!  She says it’s too nice and I spent too much and she’s afraid of getting it dirty.  So it sits all lonely in the bag in her closet.  That’s just purse abuse!  She’s lucky she’s my mom, or else I’d have to report her to the authorities! 

Well, with Christmas coming, I’ve made an early list of those Mr. W and I will be gifting this year, kids at the top…………and I’ve got nothing.  I have no clue what to get anyone!  A four year old girl, a six year old boy, a 14 year old girl and a 16 year old boy shouldn’t be this hard to shop for.  And to make things extra challenging, the girl’s (4th) b-day just past, so she’s Barbied out for the year, the step-boy has a (16th) b-day next month, the boy’s (6th) b-day is 2 days before Christmas (yeah, he’s that kid…poor kid…), and the step-girl’s (15th) b-day is in February.  Oh yeah, and Mr. W.  Let’s not forget him.  1) I have even less of a clue what to get him for Christmas, and 2) his b-day is a week before Christmas.  You know, at least I had the decency and good sense to be born in July!  I can’t wait for Christmas morning, after I’ve figured out what to get everyone and can just sit back and enjoy their shining faces along with the knowledge that I have a whole ‘nother year (9ish months) before the drama begins again. 

*The day after I posted this, my brand-spanking-new, iPod compatible, fancy-shmancy, waited-hemmed-and-hawed-about-the-price-for-3-months-and-finally-broke-down-and-got-one alarm clock stopped working.  Just stopped.  Like it worked in the morning to wake me up, and by the evening when I went to reset it, it was dead.  No lights,  no sound.  DEAD.

So I just found out some shit (sorry, no other way to say it) and I’m not sure what to do with it.  I know if I confront Mr. W, it will probably bring up some old shit that we will obviously get over, but the drama of it is almost not worth it.  Notice I said almost.   The problem is, if I don’t bring it up and confront him, it will eat at me and will inevitably begin a cycle of snowballing bitchiness that will end in it coming out anyway, only in a much more dramatic, big thing way.  So I’m thinking I might as well bring it up now and deal with the mini-drama, rather than drag it out and create a possibly huge-ass drama that could be way worse.

What is she babbling about??

Well, basically, on New Years Eve, sans chilluns, I went to a party at a friend/co-worker’s house with a my friend Y, and a bunch of other random work people, and Mr. W’s close friend W and his wife.  W’s (not Mr. W, but Mr. W’s friend W…yeah I know, I need to figure out a better acronym system, but bear with me for now.) wife went home and left him in my care.  The party progressed and I got a little (a lot) shitty, random alcohols, silly drinking games (seriously, can anyone tell me the point of flip-cup??!!), and general merrymaking galore until midnight.  Mr. W called me from Iraq to tell me Happy New Year, or so he said, and proceeded to freak out a little that I was drunk “alone with a bunch of dudes that just want to get in my pants.”  Yeah, so he said it a lot less eloquently than that, but I try to keep this at least a PG13 blog.  We fought briefly, and then I got more drunk, threw up quite a bit, and passed out in my (girl)friend’s bed.  Y stayed with me, and the hostess locked her bedroom door so no one could get in.  W crashed on the couch after making sure I was secure (he is a safety guy after all!). 

The next day was absolute hell.  I threw up when I woke up, and again when I tried to get up again, and again before walking to the car to go home, and again in my front yard, twice, and again after getting upstairs, and at least 4 more times after that.  The rest of my day was spent in and out of consciousness, with bright little breaks of text-fighting with Mr. W about my “immaturity” and his being a generally jealous, controlling ass-hole, a la the ex-men.  (Yeah, he didn’t really like that comparison too much.)  After fighting, breaking up (at least twice), making up, apologizing, (and more throwing up) we worked it all out and all was good in the land of the W’s again.  (Mr. W and Writebrite…not Mr. W’s friend W…keep up, would you!)

Today, during a general girl chat session among myself, Y, and the (girl)friend who hosted the party, I found out that Mr. W went to Y’s husband, K (who was with Mr. W in Iraq, and is still there), and asked if Y had mentioned me fooling around with anyone.  WTF!!??  K didn’t even ask.  K doesn’t even really know me except by reference of Y, and he didn’t even need to ask to know I didn’t.  Yeah, I totally could have.  Yeah, I was drunk and lonely and probably feeling a little pissed of and frisky (it had been 3 months by that point, after all)…never a good combination…and in any other lifetime I totally would have.  But I didn’t.  Didn’t even think about it.  For truth.  Seriously.  Didn’t even cross my mind!  And the one who knows me best, the one whom I love more than any other, ever, the one who I couldn’t hurt if I tried, the one who broke my heart on at least 3 occasions, one of which involved his ex, yeah, like that.  The one didn’t trust me, actually believed I could, I would, and couldn’t even ask me himself.    I say again: WTF!!??

So, yeah, I guess this means I will be asking him about it.  For the above reasons, and because he reads this blog every now and again and will know I know, but totally won’t ask until I ask, and it will just create an even more uncomfortable tension leading to bitchiness on both our parts leading to fighting and extra drama and who knows what…so yeah, I’m going to ask. 

I’ll let ya’ll know how it goes.  (Yes, I totally just typed “ya’ll.”  I speak country every now and again too.  Don’t judge, it’s just a thing, and you know, it’s not that bad, and “ya’ll” is just the contraction for ”you-all”, much clearer than just “you, ” because, really, does “you” mean you-one-person, or you-collective-people?  I mean it just makes sense…kinda…ok, I’ll stop now.)

I’ve been thinking about this blog lately, contemplating what I should do.  See, I feel like I’ve been just babbling on about nothing of much importance or concern, at least not to the rest of the internet world anyway.  I do acknowledge, while my kids are endlessly fascinating to me, their daily shenanigans may not be all that facinating to anyone else.  No, really, don’t stop me here…I know it’s true, despite your kind words.

But what do I do.  I’ve gone through bouts of neglecting my blog for days, almost weeks on end.  And lately there have been the posts that I look back on and just think, “blah!  what was I thinking writing that dribble?”  Maybe it’s because I’m sick.  Maybe it’s because I don’t really have much to bitch about as of late.  Maybe it’s because things are kind of finally going my way in small areas of my life, and not so much beating me over the head with stress and suffering in the other areas.  But really, how long can any of that last?  So is my blog doomed to be blah until I get some drama back in my life?  Do I have to have drama to be interesting?  What a crappy thought!  If that is true, I may as well pack it in and be boring!  I really don’t want the drama.  It’s just too stressful, even if it is good for my writing!  I’ve had my fair share of marital problems, dating dilemmas, mommy mania and kid stress, to last several lifetimes…and my kids haven’t entered the teenage years yet.  Hell, I haven’t even hit 30 yet!  I am ready for some peace.

The boy is in school….check!

My divorce is final Friday….check!

Mr. W loves me….check!

Mr. W’s divorce was finalized before Christmas….check!

I’m actually getting more responsibility and respect at work….check!

There are a bunch of nagging little things that suck, but really, in the grand scheme of things…my life is going pretty damn well.  Now all I need is the girl full time and Mr. W to come home from Iraq.

All in good time.  All in good time…but will I still be boring?

I’ve been staring at this blank “add new post”  page for a week, having nothing really to say.  Or maybe it’s just that I’ve had so much going on that I couldn’t nail it down to one subject…or even wrap my head around my thoughts enough to differentiate among them.  Either way, I’ve been neglecting my blog and in turn, my outlet for all this funk.  NO MORE!!

So…

• Parents left after a loooong two-week visit for the holidays…whew
• I have mice in my house.  Not one or two, but probably hundreds at this point.  I did call an exterminator who put out poison boxes (yes, I realize this is rather inhumane of me, but you are just going to have to deal with it because mice in my house, in my food, in my freaking bed is so not cool on so many levels!), but they are still there, I just know it.
• I am dog sitting, three small dogs, for a week.  Of course this has allowed me to confirm that I am in fact allergic to dogs!  Swollen, itchy eyes, tightness in the chest, scratchy throat…oh yeah, totally allergic…4 more days to go…
• The boy is starting school on the 5th.  Pre-k, but still school.  It’s a big and wonderful step, for him, for his dad, for me.  But, this single-mom thing is killing me as I am doing all the work in this effort and thereby shouldering all the stress.  Immunizations, physicals, registration, daycare, buses, school clothes that actualfit my weed-like child, visitation schedule that coincides with the school vacation/days off schedule…on and on and on.  I am so not digging this whole single mom, singular responsibility bit. 
• Bills.  Christmas has come and gone, but the damage to my bank account lingers on.  Damn me and all my generosity!
• Mr. W is going through a rough patch.  I know he is a grown man and can take care of himself, but I just can’t help but to worry!  That’s what I do with the ones I love, I worry when they aren’t happy.  Good or bad, it’s just my way. 
• Insomnia.  3 nights and counting.  I even took benadryl Sunday night (for the allergic-to-dogs thing) but still no sleep.  ARGH!
• My teeth hurt, for pretty much no reason at all.  The dentist even said so.  (ok, this “stress” is pretty weak…but seriously, they hurt!)

None of these things in and of themselves are much to scream about, but I have caught the post-holiday funk and it just amplifies everything.  As I read around the other blogs I peruse from time to time, I’ve noticed that this funk is running rampant among quite a few of us.  Is it normal?  Is it catching?  I’ve never really suffered from post-holiday funk before (not to be confused with post-holiday crud…which I also am dealing with…but that is probably because when I’m in a funk, I eat crap, and lots of it to compensate…but I digress), then again, normally I am ecstatic all throughout the holidays, so it’s all kind of new to me this year.  Is this an omen to the disposition of 2009?  If it is, I’d rather stay in ’08.

In an attempt to look forward with hopes for the new year, and aspirations for myself, I’m going to do something very different this year: Resolve.  Yes, I am going to make New Year’s Resolutions.  I never have before, and as cliche as it probably is at this point, I’m going to list them here for all of you…you might want to get some coffee because these are probably pretty stale:

• quit smoking
• exercise in some way, shape, or form
• stop drinking soda (except for my daily 130pm Redbull)
• eat soup or a single sandwich for lunch every day
• take more pictures
• post more pictures
• spend less money
• hire a maid*, if only to facilitate all of the above, and
• cook dinner for the kids every night
• blog at least 5 times a week (my life isn’t that interesting, after all)

I know, cliche and boring, but it’s my first time…be gentle. 

*I realize the hiring of a maid goes against the spending less money, but bear with me on this one.  A maid means less time spent cleaning, which means more time.  Time to cook, time to exercise, time to spend with the kids, time to take and post pictures, just time.  I feel there is a serious shortage of time in my days, so anything I can do to get more has to be a step in the right direction.

My little boy is five years old today!  How the time flies when you’re stressing divorcing worrying divorcing again fighting having fun!  Pretty soon he’ll be starting school, getting in trouble, discovering girls, drinking, driving, drinking and driving, hating mom, graduating high school, going to college, moving out, and starting a family of his own…whew!  Where did the time go?

In all seriousness, I’m happy for my little boy.  He’s getting older and wiser.  I called him this morning from work to wish him a happy birthday and he said thank you with such genuine appreciation and happiness, I could hear him smiling on the phone.  My baby isn’t a baby anymore.  It’s a little bitter sweet, I confess, but the sweetness way outweighs the bitter in this case. 

 I look forward to the years ahead.  The days of banging my head against a wall while trying to convince a toddler of something are coming to a close with the actual ability to reason on the horizon.  Oh, I know I’m not anywhere near the edge of the woods yet, but at least I can take comfort that the edge is there…somewhere…way up ahead…

So today is his day.  The boy was born a month early, just in time for Christmas.  It was a real shocker, but a very happy Christmas for me.  But I vowed never to let his birthday get caught up and hidden in the hustle and bustle of Christmas day.  I promised him at birth he would never get combined presents or go without a party to celebrate his day simply because Christmas was two days later.  True to my word, we are having a small gathering this evening.  My parents are here, of course.  But Mr. W’s kids, ex-wife (the first one…mother of the kids), and her husband will be joining us for dinner and cake.  Unfortunately my kids will be departing to their respective dads’ houses the day after Christmas, so the gift exchange with Mr. W’s kids will have to take place tonight as well.  This is not true to my word.  I’m feeling terribly guilty about the whole thing, but I can’t find another way.  We have a ton of presents for the older kids, and I know they have a few for mine.  Damn the ex-men, once again, for this horrible schedule.  Don’t get me wrong, I would never begrudge my kids or their dads the right and joy to spend holidays together…but really, the day after Christmas??  Makes me wonder if I will get the same consideration next year…not that I’d want to.  I would like my kids to have a day or two to recover from the festivities at one house, to really appreciate and play with all their new toys, before being shuffled off to the other house to do it all over again…but that’s just me.  But on the bright side, how many kids get two whole Christmas’s every year?

Mom is here!!  I’m so happy!  Well, mostly happy…I’m still finding it difficult to get fully into the Christmas spirit, but it’s coming along…slowly…very slowly.  Actually, at the rate I’m going, the spirit should be with me sometime around my birthday this summer!   

But the parental units came in last night.  It’s their first time to see the new house, which is much bigger and much more comfortable.  Although, step-dad made a comment about old people and stairs which rubbed me a little…but he did have a long flight…so I’ll forgive.

Mr. W, Mr. Wonderful, had flowers delivered yesterday.  I do love to get flowers, and he keeps me pretty well covered in that department.  But, not only did he send me a beautiful holiday bouquet basket, but he sent flowers for the girl and for my mom!  The girl got a pretty champagne flute with a teddy bear and a couple stems, while my mom got a holiday-themed pot with some flowers in it.  Aint he sweet?  That’s my Mr. Wonderful!

Today starts an either very long two weeks, or a very nice two weeks.  Time will have to tell on that one.  Visits from my parents can go either way.  It’s started off well so far.  My mom and I actually stayed up late last night just chatting on the couch.  We actually got to the point of tears at one point from laughter over some silliness…something we have never done.  I am very close with my mom, but it’s always been a stricktly mom/daughter closeness, never really approaching the friendship zone.  Could it be that we have finally reached a point in our lives that we can go there too?  How great would that be?!  Again, only time will tell.

The kids seem pretty excited about “Grandma and Grandpa” visiting.  I do know my mom will take some load off me there (and in the kitchen, and in the laundry, and…) so that will help with my stress level/balancing act/temper tantrum that I’ve been going through lately.  Yea, Mom!!  Moms are great.  I know this…some of my best friends are moms…and besides, I am too and I’m pretty damn spectacular!

The girl and I went out a couple nights back to look at Christmas lights.  Now more than a few things are disappointing me about Christmas this year leading inevitably to my less than festive attitude about the whole season.  But I do have my kids for the even years, and my mom and step-dad are making the trip to the arctic east (from Arizona…home of “60 degrees!  Holy crap that’s cold!”) so I’m trying my best to kick start my normally geeky-about-Christmas side, hence the Christmas lights.

Well, first off, normally my radio pre-sets are adjusted to holiday music around this time of year.  I hadn’t gotten around to that yet, so as the girl and I set out to find some pretty holiday decor, I searched the dial for some carolling.  No luck.  WTF??  No Christmas music?  No carols? No kids’ holiday cheer?  *Hrumph*  So much for setting the mood.  (disappointment #1 of the night…)

Then we find some lights.  Yea!!  One house.  But wait…there’s another one…one…one… What is with this place?  Two weeks until Christmas, and there is only a scattering of houses with lights on!  Ok, keep it together…we headed to the big, nice, semi-hoity-toity neighborhoods in the area.  They must have lights there!  Nope…an even more sparse scattering.   *hrumph*  The girl was frustrated.  I was frustrated.  So we headed home, cranky, and watched Wall-E instead.  (disappointment #2 and 3 of the night…)

AND I was attempting to quit smoking…so much for that.  The frustration, the driving, the cranky little girl in the back seat asking every 2 1/2 seconds where the lights were…too much for me to handle.  So I bought a pack on the way home, and had a pre-Wall-E smoke.  (disappointment #4 of the night…)

It’s hard to believe, but back home, in the deserts of Arizona, where snow is a freak occurrence that may last all of 20 minutes, literally, there is more Christmas cheer.  Every year, there are at least four radio channels dedicated to only Christmas music from mid November through mid January.  Every year, there is Winterhaven…a sorta-ritzy neighborhood which holds a clause in its HOA bylaws that says if you live there, you have to, have to decorate your house for the holidays.  They have horse drawn carriages, or shuttles you can pay to ride on through the neighborhood, or you can walk free from the worry of personal vehicle traffic (except of course for the residents).  There are donation boxes at every house and all proceeds are given to some organization like Toys For Tots, or an equally Christmas-y spirited group.  They sell egg-nog and cookies and hot chocolate in stands along the way.  (The only possible worry while you are there is maybe stepping in horse poop)  It’s a magical, Christmas-y, cheerful place…in the middle of the desert…at 60+ degrees…How is it that these desert dwellers have more Christmas spirit than the cold-weathered folks I live among now?  *hrumph*  I miss home.

So the “spirit” is still evading me.  Even shopping has lost its once bright, shiny luster for me.  I still have hope for the season, as Christmas is still two weeks away, and the kids will both be here soon along with my mom and step-dad.  I still have hopes…